Hello, happy babies! Here’s another STARTLINGLY ACCURATE INSIGHTFUL horoscope! Don’t thank me. Just enjoy… and learn from my brilliance…
Aries | Mar. 20 – Apr. 19
Hm. Okay, don’t run with scissors, this week. Seriously. And don’t be a lead-foot. Cops are EVERYWHERE, and they are looking for YOU. They don’t know it yet. But when they SEE you SPEEDING, they are going to have a moment of true recognition. So watch out.
Taurus | Apr. 20 – May 19
Go inward, Taurus. Nurture your inner child with gummi bears and whiskey sours.
Gemini | May 20 – June 20
Making up your mind about things will be difficult, this week. No, that’s inaccurate—safer to say you might as well be reading goat intestines just to figure out what to order off the menu. Avoid coffee. It’ll make you gassy.
Cancer | June 21 – July 21
Don’t panic, Cancer. Just git ‘er done! Next week you can slink back into your little crabshell and have a nice little nap.
Leo | July 22 – Aug. 21
This ISN’T the week to sweat the little stuff, Leo. And wear a crash helmet when you drive. Better yet, take the bus.
Virgo | Aug 22 – Sep. 22
It’s good to have a honey. If you do, then you’re in the clear, Virgo. But if you DON’T… well, it’s not all bad. Just pop in one of those motivational CDs you bought on Valentine’s Day.
Libra | Sep. 23 – Oct. 22
Your creative side is ramping up, Libra! Expand! Expand! Not the waistline, though! Not the waistline!
Scorpio | Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
Pop in your copy of ‘Love, Actually’, wrap yourself in a shawl, and don’t leave the house, this week. Save your energy for the weekend. At that point, feel free to get out there and chew that crazy-stick, you fun maniac!
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 – Dec. 20
WRITING and CREATIVITY are especially favored by the stars this week, Sagittarius! Go for it! But don’t eat pills and drink vodka. That’s not creative!
Capricorn | Dec 21 – Jan 19
Put down the fork, Capricorn… and use your hands instead! It’s awesome to be you, baby!
Aquarius | Jan. 20 – Feb. 17
You are the cat’s meow, this week. People can’t keep their hands off you, and everyone wants a little piece of what you’ve got goin’ on! Ouch, don’t touch it! It’s too hot! And it’s you! But don’t pick up a venereal disease, Aquarius.
Pisces | Feb. 18 – Mar. 19
Okay, this is YOUR week to be impressive, Pisces. That’s right, nobody looks at you and says, “what a frickin’ lunatic!” like they normally do! Not this week, Pisces! So put on your big fun boots and start clomping around!
I never did find the motivation to buy those CDs. Hmph.
When the heck do I get more horoscopes? How am I supposed to go on with my life?