The stars have SPOKEN! Read and be enlightened, my little doves…
Aries | Mar. 20 – Apr. 19
Geez, make a decision already. You’ve been putting it off, Aries. But the time is coming. Now, that said, don’t be a half-wit about it. Avoid men in cowboy hats. Especially the ones who are armed to the teeth and frothing at the mouth. Avoid bears.
Taurus | Apr. 20 – May 19
Remember when you said that one thing to your friend or family member that they totally over-reacted to? Remember how you TOLD them that they were over-reacting? Remember how you went on to tell them how they ALWAYS over-react? Remember how they stopped talking to you after that, and you didn’t hear from them again, but that’s okay because you were tired of their crappy drama? Well, look behind you. They’re back.
Gemini | May 20 - June 20
Oh, Gemini, you’re not nearly as awful as you think you are. Get over that, right now, you.
Cancer | June 21 – July 21
Hey, Cancer, you got some in-laws or relatives coming for a visit? This is a lovely time to go a little deep. You know, go ahead and do some finger-pointing. Don’t worry, you’ll feel much better afterward. No one else will, of course.
Leo | July 22 - Aug. 21
Let me just say this, Leo—I realize you want to let someone have it… someone very specific. Don’t do it. Wait. They’re about to hang themselves with their own rope. And you know what happens then? Okay, I’ll tell you—what happens after that is that your horrid enemy is gone and you’re sitting pretty with no proverbial blood on your even more proverbial hands. Avoid muffins.
Virgo | Aug 22 – Sep. 22
Okay, you were wrong about something. Get over it. It happens to us all, Virgo. But beating yourself up forever doesn’t do anyone any good. Besides, there are plenty of people in the world who will be more than happy to beat you up for just about anything. Eat some chocolate and relax.
Libra | Sep. 23 – Oct. 22
This too shall pass, Libra. Just stay patient and don’t fret.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
Don’t burst into tears, Scorpio. People will only laugh at you.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 – Dec. 20
*sigh*, you’re still smarter than me, Sagittarius. You’re smarter than pretty much everybody.
Capricorn | Dec 21 - Jan 19
You know how you were just feeling completely overwhelmed and wanting to point the finger? Well, that’s only natural, Capricorn. But tomorrow’s a new day, and you’ll get back on track when you get back on track. In the meantime, don’t sulk.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 – Feb. 17
Remember when you told me that everyone is interesting? Seriously. Do you remember saying that? Well, I do, Aquarius. And now I’m throwing your words back at you. Focus on the positive. And eat some delicious ice cream. Not if you’re lactose-intolerant, of course.
Pisces | Feb. 18 – Mar. 19
Everyone else is frickin’ nuts, Pisces. EVERYONE. You’re the only sane one in the room, so cut the lunatics some slack. You know it. I know it. Your psycho-pharmacologist knows it. So let the good times roll. Just remember, though—don’t get all condescending about it. You have to at least TRY and pretend to be like the rest of poor schlubs. It’s only polite.
OK, but it’ll have to be sugar-free chocolate, dammit.
I would like to point out that my sign is Sagittarius.