Aries | Mar. 20 – Apr. 19
Keep your head down and don’t lose sight of the proverbial trail, Aries. Everything’s okay. You’re going to be fine. But don’t start any fights… especially not with truckers. You should probably just avoid truck-stops in general. Nothing good will come of that. And don’t eat pie.
Taurus | Apr. 20 – May 19
Watch your diet and well-being, Taurus. The stars are telling me that this week is going to be bad on the arteries—get some exercise. Drink lots of water. Go to the bathroom more frequently. You need to work on your stuff. Avoid pie.
Gemini | May 20 – June 20
Expand your mind this week. Now’s the time, Gemini. But watch your driving too. You have a bad habit of not looking behind you, and that is going to tempt the FATES into a little Gemini-hiney-kicking that you won’t enjoy… unless you stay VERY AWARE of EVERYTHING around you. But don’t get paranoid. And eat more vegetables.
Cancer | June 21 – July 21
You should go over to Aries’ and Taurus’ houses and eat all of their pies this week, Cancer. This is a great time to let temptation take over. But don’t do drugs. I’m not advocating THAT kind of temptation. Keep it Rated-G, mister. Start looking at travel websites. Now’s a good time to think about the fun stuff and stop fretting over all the dumb stuff.
Leo | July 22 – Aug. 21
Go for it, Leo! Bust out of your very flimsy shell and rock out! Now’s the time when EVERYONE expects something from you. You can’t possibly meet everyone’s expectations. But you CAN be AWESOME in the attempt. Start by giving your pie to Cancer, and vector outward from there.
Virgo | Aug 22 – Sep. 22
Go ahead and feed your inner anal retentive freak this week, Virgo. You know you want to, and the stars are saying that you’ll benefit from the experience. So do it. But watch your health, you delicate baby. Wear a dust-mask or something. And once you’ve dusted the closets, and scrubbed down the bathroom while rearranging the toothbrush canister… feel free to come over to my house with your mop and pail.
Libra | Sep. 23 – Oct. 22
Give yourself a little hug and a treat EVERY DAY this week, Libra. Something special and precious, as only you know how to do it. Some of that treat can work to the advantage of others… like vanilla ice cream sundaes with freshly ground strawberries, rich chocolate sauce heated just so, and fat salty cashews… for example… which will just make you feel even more wonderful about yourself than you already do… if that’s even possible.
Scorpio | Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
Oh Scorpio, your love life is about to take off! Don’t miss the signs. Keep smiling. It’s working! Okay, now try something really novel… have a kind word for someone else. Ah, isn’t that nice? Note to the OTHER Scorpios (you know who you are)—keep up the good work. You deserve a little lovin’, baby.
Sagittarius | Nov. 22 – Dec. 20
Okay, NOW you can think about your house. But ONLY if you’re thinking about throwing a PARTY! But that’s about all you’re going to get done right now, Sagittarius. Sorry. On the other hand, this is a good time to unpack the Monopoly board and have a few friends over. Enjoy heavy creams and sugars. You have my blessing.
Capricorn | Dec 21 – Jan 19
You are focused and ready to get productive. Your friends and loved-ones are supportive. Go for it, Capricorn. Spend a little cash. More is on the way. Life ain’t half bad when it’s YOUR life. Enjoy it. And eat some cake. Delicious cake. Also, feel free to pull out those old boy band CDs. You’ve got some reminiscing to do.
Aquarius | Jan. 20 – Feb. 17
Staying grounded and keeping your head on your shoulders should be your mantra this week, Aquarius. Once you get that straight, you’ll find you can express your thoughts clearly—and concisely. Memorize the lyrics to your favorite Styx album.
Pisces | Feb. 18 – Mar. 19
Watch your step, Pisces. Your health will be a little dodgy, this week. Get back to the gym and keep a smile on your face. Listen to Will Smith’s “Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It” for inspiration when you start feeling run-down. Rub-a-dub, no love for the haters, got the fever for the crowd-pleaser. Yeah.
Now this is just getting wierd…. How did you know I was a big Styx fan?