HOROSCOPE – Feb 8-14, 2010

Okay, so the stars are telling me that Mars is in retrograde all month.  But what does this mean, you ask?  Well, frankly, that’s a tricky question. From what I gather, we’re all gonna need a little more coffee.

ARIES

Enjoy your life a bit more, Aries. Don’t spend a bunch of money, though. Enjoy the little things, like the tickling sensation of grass between your toes. Or the sound of the cold winter rain gently pattering the sidewalk. Dig through that enormous CD collection in the corner and start ripping them. Then sell the whole thing to the nearest used-CD store. After that, go buy some lovely new shoes and try to smile more. It’s a good time to seem friendly. It’s a bad time to seem interesting…until you get the call to do some business or work. Then toss all of the dreamy stuff aside and get to it, because you can’t sell CDs forever.

TAURUS

Normally, you’re one of those people who don’t stop for directions. You ignore the lady in the GPS box, and just go your own way. You always get there, and you always finish what you start. You don’t always do it in a timely manner, and sometimes people who don’t understand that you’re doing it the RIGHT way are going to be put off.  Well, let me just say that this is NOT the week to act like… well, to act like you.  Ask lots of questions, Taurus. Stop and look around. Don’t do that thing you do. In fact, if you can just sort of pretend to be someone else for a while, that might not be a bad idea. Also, keep your motives pure. You have a bad habit of falling into minor episodes of sociopathy. This week, you’re gonna get the cosmic slap-down if you don’t play well with others.

GEMINI

Keep your eye on the ball, Gemini. Keep that babbling brook of a mouth shut, and stay focused. You have a lot to accomplish in a very short amount of time. But your natural tendency toward being a nimrod is going to be a problem. Don’t overreact before you get the full story, you lovely wacko. Just remember, when they were handing out crazy, you went back for seconds. So keep a lid on it. Also, if you play your cards right, you could wind up with some sweet lovin’ from your main honey. I’m serious, Gemini. I’m being your cosmic wingman with this one.

CANCER

You know how sometimes you’re driving down the street and some big car comes speeding up behind, and then you find yourself speeding up because that car behind you is speeding and it’s really big and you’re getting mad about it because you have road rage and it feels like your whole life is ineffective and people don’t listen to anything you say even though you’re practically genius-level at everything and before you know it… you have a speeding ticket and the guy that made you start speeding is nowhere to be found, and then you’re in court because you said something ugly to the cop who was citing you and you’re drunk and then you’re in the clink for the whole weekend…?  You know how that sometimes happens? Sure you do, Cancer.  Sure you do.

LEO

Remember last week when I said you were fat? Well, I take it back. It’s your MIND that is fat.  The rest of you is fine, Leo. Except that you’re bad with money, you have no common sense, and you can’t be alone. But I mean that in the nicest way possible. This week, you have a wonderful opportunity to do what you do best—which is to simply be awesome. Everybody loves you, and people are in a promise-keeping mood where you are concerned. Just get it in writing, this time.

VIRGO

This week is all about CONTROL, Virgo. You need to KEEP CONTROL over everything. This is good, as you like that sort of thing anyway. Whatever you do, don’t get all loosey-goosey and start hanging out with hippies, as that’s the road to oblivion. Thank goodness you already know that, as you are wound tight. Don’t be afraid to speak your mind, this week. Think about the future. It’s your week, my lovely friend. Make the most of it. Just don’t get too caught up in anything that isn’t brass tacks sensible, or else all is lost and you’ll be crying in a gutter by Thursday.

LIBRA

You have got to lock it down, Libra. Nip it in the bud. Take the bull by the horns and… you know, just quell that rebellion. I don’t know what you’ll face this week—but the stars are telling me that you just need to nuke ANYTHING that looks like it’ll give you trouble… and whatever you do, don’t hesitate about it. But be sure to do it with your trademarked LIBRAN power—that is, use the astral beams of happiness that shoot from your teeth whenever you smile. Use them to eviscerate your obstacles and opponents with the power of love and goodwill. Use your melodious voice that everyone says is so soothing to lull your enemies into a deep sleep. Then slit their throats and take their wallet.

SCORPIO

You’re a cynical bastard, Scorpio. Stop that. You can’t pay people to like you… unless, of course, you’re joining a fraternity… in which case you CAN pay them to like you. But you still won’t like them, and that’ll rankle at you later. Just remember, the obstacles you face this week are mostly of your own making. This will be a nice change of pace for you, as attributing your problems to yourself just isn’t in your nature. Short of actually solving the consistent vagaries you encounter, try this—PRETEND to be someone who gives a crap. Someone’s bound to fall for it, and before you know it the weekend will be here.

SAGITTARIUS

Avoid family feuds. You’ll just make a mess of it. The problem is that you lack a shut-off switch when it comes to telling people what’s REALLY happening. You also have no sense of diplomacy. This is because you have only a passing acquaintance with interpersonal manners. On top of it all, your need to explain things correctly supercedes all else… and that’s kind of a problem. A problem that you, of course, can never understand because you think that if you can just explain it rationally then everyone else will back the hell off. But you see, they WON’T back the hell off because you’re just a little too smug and everyone wants to take you down a peg. Oh, and if you have any underlings, you should probably bring them chocolate tomorrow.  Because chocolate is…um… delicious.

CAPRICORN

If you try to be clever this week, you’re going to regret it. Don’t get fancy, Capricorn. Just take the path of least resistance until Friday. And by that, I don’t mean take the day off. I mean do what you’re supposed to. Be where you’re supposed to be. People really don’t expect much from you, so it shouldn’t be tough to meet their expectations. But on FRIDAY you gotta STEP UP and… be QUICK about it. In fact, if you play your cards right, you could get luck on Friday. You KNOW what I mean by that.

AQUARIUS

Happy birthday, Aquarius!  This is YOUR week, buddy! You know, you always know just the right way to celebrate.  Whether it’s dinner at a favorite old haunt, or hitting the road with those you love… you really understand the important things in life.  You ALSO know about networking, Aquarius! Keep your eyes open, because later this week you JUST MIGHT meet someone really awesome who can help you with your career. So keep your eyes open, and don’t be shy.

PISCES

Avoid erratic people, Pisces. You’ve got more than enough of that action going on yourself.  You KNOW what I’m talking about, right?  Think ‘Balrog’, friend. Also, don’t put pepper on your food.

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