HOROSCOPE – Feb 1- 7, 2010

Every week I hope to create a new horoscope for you, my gentle readers.  This is all part of my new plan to become incredibly psychic and finally get some money one day.  But in the meantime, here’s the first installment.  As I go along, I’ll probably start putting in pictures and stuff, because I can’t help myself.

Aries (Mar. 20 – Apr. 19):

Apparently, your ruling planet of Mars has something against you, Aries. For now, the stars or whatever going to keep you in a holding pattern.  I recommend you settle in with an adult beverage, fire up the DVD player, or go skiing and lounge indolently around a hot tub… and relax.  Well, unless you’re a child, of course.  In that case, I recommend a child beverage.  Maybe milk. And you still have to go school, child Aries.  You’re not loafing through this time of cosmic slowdown or whatever. Anyway, accept this as a time of natural rest and let go a bit. In a few weeks blockades to progress will be removed and you will once again be strutting about and pointing your finger so that others will jump up and get crap done.

Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 19):

The stars are telling me that you’re gonna be the astrological equivalent of Mother Teresa, this week.  This is good, because… you know, she died, right?  Anyway, step up and enjoy it.  Or don’t enjoy it.  I don’t think Mother Teresa REALLY enjoyed her job.  Not with all of those sick little orphan kids hanging around all the time.

Gemini (May 20 – June 20):

Close your mouth, Gemini, and keep your ears open… as you are encountering a TEACHER who may help you figure yourself out a bit. Not all the way figured out, of course, because you’re a mess, Gemini. We all know it, and most of us are talking about you behind your back.  A beautiful, messy mess of a mess. That’s what you are, Gemini.  Anyway, big change is coming, so get ready, and stop talking so much.

Cancer (June 21 – July 21):

Dude, this is the week when you should start a lawsuit. Well, that’s what the stars are telling me, anyway. Don’t sue me, though, because I’m going to deny everything. Oh, if you’ve got a partner or ‘whatever’, this is also a great time to go to a movie.

Leo (July 22 – Aug. 21)

Everything’s fine, Leo… except your DIET. That’s at a stand-still, isn’t it?  It’s okay.  I’m supposed to know these things because I have the STARS on my side.  Look, quit wasting time. Switch it up and go to the gym or one of those cross-fit programs. You’ll be less fat, people will like you more because you’re more attractive (that’s what people like, by the way, they don’t give a crap if you’re trustworthy or have a good heart so knock it off), and you’ll finally succeed because you’re hot.  So get on it, Leo. We all know you want to roar.  So roar.

Virgo (Aug 22 – Sep. 22):

Virgo, I’m sorry, but this week you have to take a pottery class. It’s your time to sit around with hippie freaks and weirdos and just LEARN stuff from them. Oh, and learn from children. I don’t know what you’re going to learn, just that you have to do it by talking to people who normally know nothing.

Libra (Sep. 23 – Oct. 22):

As the wisest and… well, yes, I’ll say it, the NICEST sign in the zodiac, Libra it is your responsibility to be there for everyone. Don’t give them your money, though. You’ve fallen for that before.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21):

Just stay in the moment, mister. Don’t get ahead of yourself and start throwing dishes. That never does any good, you wild Scorpio thing. And keep on smiling. That never hurts. Well, it hurts you, doesn’t it? You’re such a pain, Scorpio. You know that your sign means ‘SCORPION’, right? That means you’re an arachnid, right?? Anyway, just stick with it and don’t get too ugly with people. Not this week. I’m sure you’ll have plenty of time in the future to be awful to other people who don’t realize what they’re dealing with.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 20):

Okay, seriously, the stars are telling me that you need to stop obsessing on your house, Sagittarius. Just do some nice little repairs and get back to normal. You have so much other crap going on. Oh, and try being a little more diplomatic, or nice, or something. You’re too abrupt. And you seem to forget that we’re not all perfect brainiacs like you are. Take a chill pill or do some yoga. Or eat a bran muffin.

Capricorn ( Dec 21 – Jan 19):

It’s gonna be a hard week, Capricorn. You know, you need to loosen up a bit. Stop holding on to the past. Free your mind with some whiskey, perhaps. Something out of the ordinary. Eat some yogurt, or whatever. Anyway, now’s the time to get rolling because you need it, sister. You know you do. We all know you do. You don’t think we’re not sitting just down the way from you at Chili’s saying, “good lord, is she eating her feelings?” I’ll let you answer that question for yourself in the privacy of your own tortured mind.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 17):

Be humble. Be helpful. Don’t be gloating when I call you and you’ve just hung out with the cast of Star Trek and you know I wanted to go, you bastard.

Pisces (Feb. 18 – Mar. 19):

You’re in a loving mood, this week. Try to roll with that for as long as you can. Because sooner or later you’re going to turn into a complete maniac again.  In the meantime, if you play your cards right, the stars are saying you could see some good stuff happening.  So I would recommend you just keep smiling and don’t say any of the poisonous, rancid, passive-aggressive things you would normally prefer to shovel out. Just keep it real, Pisces…just not YOUR reality, this time.

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