Hello dear,
Yes it HAS been a long time. But the stars are once more speaking their minds to me. So here’s another lovely horoscope. Please enjoy.

ARIES | Mar 20 – Apr 19
Put a couple of extra ice cubes in your morning LIFE COFFEE, Aries. You’re out and about, and you might trip up. Just keep moving forward. If that doesn’t work, try listening to a different station on the RADIO OF PERSONAL METAPHOR… and just keep on truckin’.

TAURUS | Apr 20 – May 19
Your spiritual GPS isn’t working very well, these days. You MIGHT need to pull out the ol’ super-brain and figure it out on your own, Taurus. Just remember, dead puppies aren’t fun for anyone.

GEMINI | May 20 – June 20
It’s tough to be two people at once, Gemini. We all know this about you, so quit trying act rational and just ride out both sides at once.

CANCER | June 21 – July 21
You know, Cancer, sometimes you have this awful habit of being a selfish bastard. Just because you don’t understand why someone is doing something, that doesn’t mean you should just write them off as crazy. Stop and listen. Maybe you can help them temper their tendencies for a better results. Oh, the stars are also telling me that you could stand to listen to some Pat Benatar, this week, too.

LEO | July 22 – Aug 21
It’s going to be a struggle to do the right thing, Leo you sexy well-meaning beast. Listen to some John Cougar Mellencamp for inspiration!

VIRGO | Aug 22 – Sep 22
Don’t make any sudden moves, Virgo. Don’t sit still, either. Open your heart. Not to me, of course. Just sort of do it internally or whatever. You know, you hold the key. Whatever. Don’t get creepy with your self-discovery. The stars didn’t say that last part. I did.

LIBRA | Sep 23 – Oct 22
Don’t be such a pansy, Libra. Yes, you feel like you’ve learned enough and you should get some damn credit for what you’ve already done. We get it. Keep going. There’s money and/or fame at the end of that rainbow… yeah-yeah, that doesn’t matter to you. We get that too. Except, it kind of does, doesn’t it? If you replace the word ‘money’ with ‘validation’ and ‘fame’ with ‘acceptance’…? Oh, you DO like that, don’t you! Shut up now. Welcome to Planet Earth.

SCORPIO | Oct 23 – Nov 21
Stop and think before you speak. Yes, you’re smart. REALLY smart. But nobody knows that because you keep saying stupid things. Take a second look at your car, bike, or other primary mode of transport. There could be something going on. Listen to Mike & The Mechanics for inspiration.

SAGITTARIUS | Nov 22 – Dec 20
You want to move on to the next big thing, but you can’t… well, not until you sort out that giant pile of emergency medicine, dried food, and earthquake supplies sitting on your back porch that never got used. Yes, this is a metaphor, of course. Okay, it’s actually the truth for some of you too, right? Put it all away. You’re ready for the Resource War now. You can move on to more interesting topics.

CAPRICORN | Dec 21 – Jan 19
You’re lovely and wonderful, Capricorn. And it’s only money. You’ll get more of it later. You’ll remember this fact somewhere in the middle of the month. Shortly after that, I’ll need a haircut.

AQUARIUS | Jan 20 – Feb 17
You might have to buckle down a bit, Aquarius. It happens. And then you might find yourself feeling a bit sorry about things… mostly for yourself. That’s only natural. After that, you’ll bounce right back, like a kitten on crack.

PISCES | Feb 18 – Mar 19
Honey, if you know you’re weak, then don’t walk into that bakery in the first place. You still have a choice. It’s not like there are CAKE NAZIS running around the countryside forcing people to eat frosting. Feel free to turn this into a metaphor for whatever OTHER addiction you’re fighting, crazy-pants Pisces.

Hello, happy babies!  Here’s another STARTLINGLY ACCURATE INSIGHTFUL horoscope! Don’t thank me.  Just enjoy… and learn from my brilliance…

Aries   |   Mar. 20 – Apr. 19
Hm.  Okay, don’t run with scissors, this week.  Seriously.  And don’t be a lead-foot.  Cops are EVERYWHERE, and they are looking for YOU. They don’t know it yet.  But when they SEE you SPEEDING, they are going to have a moment of true recognition.  So watch out.

Taurus   |   Apr. 20 – May 19
Go inward, Taurus.  Nurture your inner child with gummi bears and whiskey sours.

Gemini   |   May 20 – June 20
Making up your mind about things will be difficult, this week. No, that’s inaccurate—safer to say you might as well be reading goat intestines just to figure out what to order off the menu.  Avoid coffee.  It’ll make you gassy.

Cancer   |   June 21 – July 21
Don’t panic, Cancer.  Just git ‘er done!  Next week you can slink back into your little crabshell and have a nice little nap. 

Leo   |   July 22 – Aug. 21
This ISN’T the week to sweat the little stuff, Leo. And wear a crash helmet when you drive.  Better yet, take the bus.

Virgo   |   Aug 22 – Sep. 22
It’s good to have a honey. If you do, then you’re in the clear, Virgo.  But if you DON’T… well, it’s not all bad.  Just pop in one of those motivational CDs you bought on Valentine’s Day.

Libra   |   Sep. 23 – Oct. 22
Your creative side is ramping up, Libra! Expand! Expand! Not the waistline, though! Not the waistline!

Scorpio   |   Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
Pop in your copy of ‘Love, Actually’, wrap yourself in a shawl, and don’t leave the house, this week.  Save your energy for the weekend.  At that point, feel free to get out there and chew that crazy-stick, you fun maniac!

Sagittarius   |   Nov. 22 – Dec. 20
WRITING and CREATIVITY are especially favored by the stars this week, Sagittarius!  Go for it!  But don’t eat pills and drink vodka.  That’s not creative!

Capricorn   |   Dec 21 – Jan 19
Put down the fork, Capricorn… and use your hands instead!  It’s awesome to be you, baby!

Aquarius   |   Jan. 20 – Feb. 17
You are the cat’s meow, this week.  People can’t keep their hands off you, and everyone wants a little piece of what you’ve got goin’ on! Ouch, don’t touch it! It’s too hot! And it’s you! But don’t pick up a venereal disease, Aquarius.

Pisces   |   Feb. 18 – Mar. 19
Okay, this is YOUR week to be impressive, Pisces.  That’s right, nobody looks at you and says, “what a frickin’ lunatic!” like they normally do! Not this week, Pisces!  So put on your big fun boots and start clomping around!

The stars have SPOKEN!  Read and be enlightened, my little doves…

Aries    |    Mar. 20 – Apr. 19
Geez, make a decision already. You’ve been putting it off, Aries. But the time is coming.  Now, that said, don’t be a half-wit about it.  Avoid men in cowboy hats.  Especially the ones who are armed to the teeth and frothing at the mouth. Avoid bears.

Taurus    |    Apr. 20 – May 19
Remember when you said that one thing to your friend or family member that they totally over-reacted to?  Remember how you TOLD them that they were over-reacting?   Remember how you went on to tell them how they ALWAYS over-react?  Remember how they stopped talking to you after that, and you didn’t hear from them again, but that’s okay because you were tired of their crappy drama?   Well, look behind you.  They’re back.

Gemini    |    May 20  -  June 20
Oh, Gemini, you’re not nearly as awful as you think you are.  Get over that, right now, you.

Cancer    |    June 21 – July 21
Hey, Cancer, you got some in-laws or relatives coming for a visit?  This is a lovely time to go a little deep.  You know, go ahead and do some finger-pointing.  Don’t worry, you’ll feel much better afterward.  No one else will, of course.

Leo    |    July 22  - Aug. 21
Let me just say this, Leo—I realize you want to let someone have it… someone very specific.  Don’t do it.  Wait. They’re about to hang themselves with their own rope.  And you know what happens then?  Okay, I’ll tell you—what happens after that is that your horrid enemy is gone and you’re sitting pretty with no proverbial blood on your even more proverbial hands.  Avoid muffins.

Virgo    |    Aug 22 – Sep. 22
Okay, you were wrong about something. Get over it. It happens to us all, Virgo.  But beating yourself up forever doesn’t do anyone any good.  Besides, there are plenty of people in the world who will be more than happy to beat you up for just about anything. Eat some chocolate and relax.

Libra    |    Sep. 23 – Oct. 22
This too shall pass, Libra.  Just stay patient and don’t fret.

Scorpio    |    Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
Don’t burst into tears, Scorpio.  People will only laugh at you.

Sagittarius    |    Nov. 22 – Dec. 20
*sigh*, you’re still smarter than me, Sagittarius.  You’re smarter than pretty much everybody.

Capricorn    |     Dec 21  -  Jan 19
You know how you were just feeling completely overwhelmed and wanting to point the finger? Well, that’s only natural, Capricorn.  But tomorrow’s a new day, and you’ll get back on track when you get back on track.  In the meantime, don’t sulk.

Aquarius    |    Jan. 20 – Feb. 17
Remember when you told me that everyone is interesting?  Seriously. Do you remember saying that?  Well, I do, Aquarius.  And now I’m throwing your words back at you.  Focus on the positive.  And eat some delicious ice cream.  Not if you’re lactose-intolerant, of course.

Pisces    |    Feb. 18 – Mar. 19
Everyone else is frickin’ nuts, Pisces. EVERYONE. You’re the only sane one in the room, so cut the lunatics some slack.  You know it. I know it. Your psycho-pharmacologist knows it.  So let the good times roll.  Just remember, though—don’t get all condescending about it.  You have to at least TRY and pretend to be like the rest of poor schlubs.  It’s only polite.

Aries | Mar. 20 – Apr. 19
Keep your head down and don’t lose sight of the proverbial trail, Aries.  Everything’s okay.  You’re going to be fine.  But don’t start any fights… especially not with truckers.  You should probably just avoid truck-stops in general.  Nothing good will come of that.  And don’t eat pie.

Taurus | Apr. 20 – May 19
Watch your diet and well-being, Taurus.  The stars are telling me that this week is going to be bad on the arteries—get some exercise.  Drink lots of water. Go to the bathroom more frequently. You need to work on your stuff. Avoid pie.

Gemini | May 20 – June 20
Expand your mind this week.  Now’s the time, Gemini. But watch your driving too.  You have a bad habit of not looking behind you, and that is going to tempt the FATES into a little Gemini-hiney-kicking that you won’t enjoy… unless you stay VERY AWARE of EVERYTHING around you. But don’t get paranoid.  And eat more vegetables.

Cancer | June 21 – July 21
You should go over to Aries’ and Taurus’ houses and eat all of their pies this week, Cancer.   This is a great time to let temptation take over.  But don’t do drugs.  I’m not advocating THAT kind of temptation.  Keep it Rated-G, mister. Start looking at travel websites. Now’s a good time to think about the fun stuff and stop fretting over all the dumb stuff.

Leo | July 22 – Aug. 21
Go for it, Leo! Bust out of your very flimsy shell and rock out!  Now’s the time when EVERYONE expects something from you.  You can’t possibly meet everyone’s expectations.  But you CAN be AWESOME in the attempt. Start by giving your pie to Cancer, and vector outward from there.

Virgo | Aug 22 – Sep. 22
Go ahead and feed your inner anal retentive freak this week, Virgo. You know you want to, and the stars are saying that you’ll benefit from the experience.  So do it. But watch your health, you delicate baby.  Wear a dust-mask or something.  And once you’ve dusted the closets, and scrubbed down the bathroom while rearranging the toothbrush canister… feel free to come over to my house with your mop and pail.

Libra | Sep. 23 – Oct. 22
Give yourself a little hug and a treat EVERY DAY this week, Libra.  Something special and precious, as only you know how to do it.  Some of that treat can work to the advantage of others… like vanilla ice cream sundaes with freshly ground strawberries, rich chocolate sauce heated just so, and fat salty cashews… for example… which will just make you feel even more wonderful about yourself than you already do… if that’s even possible.

Scorpio | Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
Oh Scorpio, your love life is about to take off!  Don’t miss the signs.  Keep smiling.  It’s working!  Okay, now try something really novel… have a kind word for someone else.  Ah, isn’t that nice?  Note to the OTHER Scorpios (you know who you are)—keep up the good work. You deserve a little lovin’, baby.

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 – Dec. 20
Okay, NOW you can think about your house.  But ONLY if you’re thinking about throwing a PARTY!  But that’s about all you’re going to get done right now, Sagittarius.  Sorry.  On the other hand, this is a good time to unpack the Monopoly board and have a few friends over.  Enjoy heavy creams and sugars. You have my blessing.

Capricorn |  Dec 21 – Jan 19
You are focused and ready to get productive.  Your friends and loved-ones are supportive. Go for it, Capricorn.  Spend a little cash. More is on the way. Life ain’t half bad when it’s YOUR life. Enjoy it. And eat some cake. Delicious cake.  Also, feel free to pull out those old boy band CDs.  You’ve got some reminiscing to do.

Aquarius | Jan. 20 – Feb. 17
Staying grounded and keeping your head on your shoulders should be your mantra this week, Aquarius.  Once you get that straight, you’ll find you can express your thoughts clearly—and concisely.  Memorize the lyrics to your favorite Styx album.

Pisces | Feb. 18 – Mar. 19
Watch your step, Pisces.  Your health will be a little dodgy, this week.  Get back to the gym and keep a smile on your face.  Listen to Will Smith’s “Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It” for inspiration when you start feeling run-down.  Rub-a-dub, no love for the haters, got the fever for the crowd-pleaser. Yeah.

Okay, so the stars are telling me that Mars is in retrograde all month.  But what does this mean, you ask?  Well, frankly, that’s a tricky question. From what I gather, we’re all gonna need a little more coffee.

ARIES

Enjoy your life a bit more, Aries. Don’t spend a bunch of money, though. Enjoy the little things, like the tickling sensation of grass between your toes. Or the sound of the cold winter rain gently pattering the sidewalk. Dig through that enormous CD collection in the corner and start ripping them. Then sell the whole thing to the nearest used-CD store. After that, go buy some lovely new shoes and try to smile more. It’s a good time to seem friendly. It’s a bad time to seem interesting…until you get the call to do some business or work. Then toss all of the dreamy stuff aside and get to it, because you can’t sell CDs forever.

TAURUS

Normally, you’re one of those people who don’t stop for directions. You ignore the lady in the GPS box, and just go your own way. You always get there, and you always finish what you start. You don’t always do it in a timely manner, and sometimes people who don’t understand that you’re doing it the RIGHT way are going to be put off.  Well, let me just say that this is NOT the week to act like… well, to act like you.  Ask lots of questions, Taurus. Stop and look around. Don’t do that thing you do. In fact, if you can just sort of pretend to be someone else for a while, that might not be a bad idea. Also, keep your motives pure. You have a bad habit of falling into minor episodes of sociopathy. This week, you’re gonna get the cosmic slap-down if you don’t play well with others.

GEMINI

Keep your eye on the ball, Gemini. Keep that babbling brook of a mouth shut, and stay focused. You have a lot to accomplish in a very short amount of time. But your natural tendency toward being a nimrod is going to be a problem. Don’t overreact before you get the full story, you lovely wacko. Just remember, when they were handing out crazy, you went back for seconds. So keep a lid on it. Also, if you play your cards right, you could wind up with some sweet lovin’ from your main honey. I’m serious, Gemini. I’m being your cosmic wingman with this one.

CANCER

You know how sometimes you’re driving down the street and some big car comes speeding up behind, and then you find yourself speeding up because that car behind you is speeding and it’s really big and you’re getting mad about it because you have road rage and it feels like your whole life is ineffective and people don’t listen to anything you say even though you’re practically genius-level at everything and before you know it… you have a speeding ticket and the guy that made you start speeding is nowhere to be found, and then you’re in court because you said something ugly to the cop who was citing you and you’re drunk and then you’re in the clink for the whole weekend…?  You know how that sometimes happens? Sure you do, Cancer.  Sure you do.

LEO

Remember last week when I said you were fat? Well, I take it back. It’s your MIND that is fat.  The rest of you is fine, Leo. Except that you’re bad with money, you have no common sense, and you can’t be alone. But I mean that in the nicest way possible. This week, you have a wonderful opportunity to do what you do best—which is to simply be awesome. Everybody loves you, and people are in a promise-keeping mood where you are concerned. Just get it in writing, this time.

VIRGO

This week is all about CONTROL, Virgo. You need to KEEP CONTROL over everything. This is good, as you like that sort of thing anyway. Whatever you do, don’t get all loosey-goosey and start hanging out with hippies, as that’s the road to oblivion. Thank goodness you already know that, as you are wound tight. Don’t be afraid to speak your mind, this week. Think about the future. It’s your week, my lovely friend. Make the most of it. Just don’t get too caught up in anything that isn’t brass tacks sensible, or else all is lost and you’ll be crying in a gutter by Thursday.

LIBRA

You have got to lock it down, Libra. Nip it in the bud. Take the bull by the horns and… you know, just quell that rebellion. I don’t know what you’ll face this week—but the stars are telling me that you just need to nuke ANYTHING that looks like it’ll give you trouble… and whatever you do, don’t hesitate about it. But be sure to do it with your trademarked LIBRAN power—that is, use the astral beams of happiness that shoot from your teeth whenever you smile. Use them to eviscerate your obstacles and opponents with the power of love and goodwill. Use your melodious voice that everyone says is so soothing to lull your enemies into a deep sleep. Then slit their throats and take their wallet.

SCORPIO

You’re a cynical bastard, Scorpio. Stop that. You can’t pay people to like you… unless, of course, you’re joining a fraternity… in which case you CAN pay them to like you. But you still won’t like them, and that’ll rankle at you later. Just remember, the obstacles you face this week are mostly of your own making. This will be a nice change of pace for you, as attributing your problems to yourself just isn’t in your nature. Short of actually solving the consistent vagaries you encounter, try this—PRETEND to be someone who gives a crap. Someone’s bound to fall for it, and before you know it the weekend will be here.

SAGITTARIUS

Avoid family feuds. You’ll just make a mess of it. The problem is that you lack a shut-off switch when it comes to telling people what’s REALLY happening. You also have no sense of diplomacy. This is because you have only a passing acquaintance with interpersonal manners. On top of it all, your need to explain things correctly supercedes all else… and that’s kind of a problem. A problem that you, of course, can never understand because you think that if you can just explain it rationally then everyone else will back the hell off. But you see, they WON’T back the hell off because you’re just a little too smug and everyone wants to take you down a peg. Oh, and if you have any underlings, you should probably bring them chocolate tomorrow.  Because chocolate is…um… delicious.

CAPRICORN

If you try to be clever this week, you’re going to regret it. Don’t get fancy, Capricorn. Just take the path of least resistance until Friday. And by that, I don’t mean take the day off. I mean do what you’re supposed to. Be where you’re supposed to be. People really don’t expect much from you, so it shouldn’t be tough to meet their expectations. But on FRIDAY you gotta STEP UP and… be QUICK about it. In fact, if you play your cards right, you could get luck on Friday. You KNOW what I mean by that.

AQUARIUS

Happy birthday, Aquarius!  This is YOUR week, buddy! You know, you always know just the right way to celebrate.  Whether it’s dinner at a favorite old haunt, or hitting the road with those you love… you really understand the important things in life.  You ALSO know about networking, Aquarius! Keep your eyes open, because later this week you JUST MIGHT meet someone really awesome who can help you with your career. So keep your eyes open, and don’t be shy.

PISCES

Avoid erratic people, Pisces. You’ve got more than enough of that action going on yourself.  You KNOW what I’m talking about, right?  Think ‘Balrog’, friend. Also, don’t put pepper on your food.

Every week I hope to create a new horoscope for you, my gentle readers.  This is all part of my new plan to become incredibly psychic and finally get some money one day.  But in the meantime, here’s the first installment.  As I go along, I’ll probably start putting in pictures and stuff, because I can’t help myself.

Aries (Mar. 20 – Apr. 19):

Apparently, your ruling planet of Mars has something against you, Aries. For now, the stars or whatever going to keep you in a holding pattern.  I recommend you settle in with an adult beverage, fire up the DVD player, or go skiing and lounge indolently around a hot tub… and relax.  Well, unless you’re a child, of course.  In that case, I recommend a child beverage.  Maybe milk. And you still have to go school, child Aries.  You’re not loafing through this time of cosmic slowdown or whatever. Anyway, accept this as a time of natural rest and let go a bit. In a few weeks blockades to progress will be removed and you will once again be strutting about and pointing your finger so that others will jump up and get crap done.

Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 19):

The stars are telling me that you’re gonna be the astrological equivalent of Mother Teresa, this week.  This is good, because… you know, she died, right?  Anyway, step up and enjoy it.  Or don’t enjoy it.  I don’t think Mother Teresa REALLY enjoyed her job.  Not with all of those sick little orphan kids hanging around all the time.

Gemini (May 20 – June 20):

Close your mouth, Gemini, and keep your ears open… as you are encountering a TEACHER who may help you figure yourself out a bit. Not all the way figured out, of course, because you’re a mess, Gemini. We all know it, and most of us are talking about you behind your back.  A beautiful, messy mess of a mess. That’s what you are, Gemini.  Anyway, big change is coming, so get ready, and stop talking so much.

Cancer (June 21 – July 21):

Dude, this is the week when you should start a lawsuit. Well, that’s what the stars are telling me, anyway. Don’t sue me, though, because I’m going to deny everything. Oh, if you’ve got a partner or ‘whatever’, this is also a great time to go to a movie.

Everything’s fine, Leo… except your DIET. That’s at a stand-still, isn’t it?  It’s okay.  I’m supposed to know these things because I have the STARS on my side.  Look, quit wasting time. Switch it up and go to the gym or one of those cross-fit programs. You’ll be less fat, people will like you more because you’re more attractive (that’s what people like, by the way, they don’t give a crap if you’re trustworthy or have a good heart so knock it off), and you’ll finally succeed because you’re hot.  So get on it, Leo. We all know you want to roar.  So roar.

Virgo (Aug 22 – Sep. 22):

Virgo, I’m sorry, but this week you have to take a pottery class. It’s your time to sit around with hippie freaks and weirdos and just LEARN stuff from them. Oh, and learn from children. I don’t know what you’re going to learn, just that you have to do it by talking to people who normally know nothing.

Libra (Sep. 23 – Oct. 22):

As the wisest and… well, yes, I’ll say it, the NICEST sign in the zodiac, Libra it is your responsibility to be there for everyone. Don’t give them your money, though. You’ve fallen for that before.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21):

Just stay in the moment, mister. Don’t get ahead of yourself and start throwing dishes. That never does any good, you wild Scorpio thing. And keep on smiling. That never hurts. Well, it hurts you, doesn’t it? You’re such a pain, Scorpio. You know that your sign means ‘SCORPION’, right? That means you’re an arachnid, right?? Anyway, just stick with it and don’t get too ugly with people. Not this week. I’m sure you’ll have plenty of time in the future to be awful to other people who don’t realize what they’re dealing with.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 20):

Okay, seriously, the stars are telling me that you need to stop obsessing on your house, Sagittarius. Just do some nice little repairs and get back to normal. You have so much other crap going on. Oh, and try being a little more diplomatic, or nice, or something. You’re too abrupt. And you seem to forget that we’re not all perfect brainiacs like you are. Take a chill pill or do some yoga. Or eat a bran muffin.

Capricorn ( Dec 21 – Jan 19):

It’s gonna be a hard week, Capricorn. You know, you need to loosen up a bit. Stop holding on to the past. Free your mind with some whiskey, perhaps. Something out of the ordinary. Eat some yogurt, or whatever. Anyway, now’s the time to get rolling because you need it, sister. You know you do. We all know you do. You don’t think we’re not sitting just down the way from you at Chili’s saying, “good lord, is she eating her feelings?” I’ll let you answer that question for yourself in the privacy of your own tortured mind.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 17):

Be humble. Be helpful. Don’t be gloating when I call you and you’ve just hung out with the cast of Star Trek and you know I wanted to go, you bastard.

Pisces (Feb. 18 – Mar. 19):

You’re in a loving mood, this week. Try to roll with that for as long as you can. Because sooner or later you’re going to turn into a complete maniac again.  In the meantime, if you play your cards right, the stars are saying you could see some good stuff happening.  So I would recommend you just keep smiling and don’t say any of the poisonous, rancid, passive-aggressive things you would normally prefer to shovel out. Just keep it real, Pisces…just not YOUR reality, this time.