Mic Duggan

Okay, so the stars are telling me that Mars is in retrograde all month.  But what does this mean, you ask?  Well, frankly, that’s a tricky question. From what I gather, we’re all gonna need a little more coffee.

ARIES

Enjoy your life a bit more, Aries. Don’t spend a bunch of money, though. Enjoy the little things, like the tickling sensation of grass between your toes. Or the sound of the cold winter rain gently pattering the sidewalk. Dig through that enormous CD collection in the corner and start ripping them. Then sell the whole thing to the nearest used-CD store. After that, go buy some lovely new shoes and try to smile more. It’s a good time to seem friendly. It’s a bad time to seem interesting…until you get the call to do some business or work. Then toss all of the dreamy stuff aside and get to it, because you can’t sell CDs forever.

TAURUS

Normally, you’re one of those people who don’t stop for directions. You ignore the lady in the GPS box, and just go your own way. You always get there, and you always finish what you start. You don’t always do it in a timely manner, and sometimes people who don’t understand that you’re doing it the RIGHT way are going to be put off.  Well, let me just say that this is NOT the week to act like… well, to act like you.  Ask lots of questions, Taurus. Stop and look around. Don’t do that thing you do. In fact, if you can just sort of pretend to be someone else for a while, that might not be a bad idea. Also, keep your motives pure. You have a bad habit of falling into minor episodes of sociopathy. This week, you’re gonna get the cosmic slap-down if you don’t play well with others.

GEMINI

Keep your eye on the ball, Gemini. Keep that babbling brook of a mouth shut, and stay focused. You have a lot to accomplish in a very short amount of time. But your natural tendency toward being a nimrod is going to be a problem. Don’t overreact before you get the full story, you lovely wacko. Just remember, when they were handing out crazy, you went back for seconds. So keep a lid on it. Also, if you play your cards right, you could wind up with some sweet lovin’ from your main honey. I’m serious, Gemini. I’m being your cosmic wingman with this one.

CANCER

You know how sometimes you’re driving down the street and some big car comes speeding up behind, and then you find yourself speeding up because that car behind you is speeding and it’s really big and you’re getting mad about it because you have road rage and it feels like your whole life is ineffective and people don’t listen to anything you say even though you’re practically genius-level at everything and before you know it… you have a speeding ticket and the guy that made you start speeding is nowhere to be found, and then you’re in court because you said something ugly to the cop who was citing you and you’re drunk and then you’re in the clink for the whole weekend…?  You know how that sometimes happens? Sure you do, Cancer.  Sure you do.

LEO

Remember last week when I said you were fat? Well, I take it back. It’s your MIND that is fat.  The rest of you is fine, Leo. Except that you’re bad with money, you have no common sense, and you can’t be alone. But I mean that in the nicest way possible. This week, you have a wonderful opportunity to do what you do best—which is to simply be awesome. Everybody loves you, and people are in a promise-keeping mood where you are concerned. Just get it in writing, this time.

VIRGO

This week is all about CONTROL, Virgo. You need to KEEP CONTROL over everything. This is good, as you like that sort of thing anyway. Whatever you do, don’t get all loosey-goosey and start hanging out with hippies, as that’s the road to oblivion. Thank goodness you already know that, as you are wound tight. Don’t be afraid to speak your mind, this week. Think about the future. It’s your week, my lovely friend. Make the most of it. Just don’t get too caught up in anything that isn’t brass tacks sensible, or else all is lost and you’ll be crying in a gutter by Thursday.

LIBRA

You have got to lock it down, Libra. Nip it in the bud. Take the bull by the horns and… you know, just quell that rebellion. I don’t know what you’ll face this week—but the stars are telling me that you just need to nuke ANYTHING that looks like it’ll give you trouble… and whatever you do, don’t hesitate about it. But be sure to do it with your trademarked LIBRAN power—that is, use the astral beams of happiness that shoot from your teeth whenever you smile. Use them to eviscerate your obstacles and opponents with the power of love and goodwill. Use your melodious voice that everyone says is so soothing to lull your enemies into a deep sleep. Then slit their throats and take their wallet.

SCORPIO

You’re a cynical bastard, Scorpio. Stop that. You can’t pay people to like you… unless, of course, you’re joining a fraternity… in which case you CAN pay them to like you. But you still won’t like them, and that’ll rankle at you later. Just remember, the obstacles you face this week are mostly of your own making. This will be a nice change of pace for you, as attributing your problems to yourself just isn’t in your nature. Short of actually solving the consistent vagaries you encounter, try this—PRETEND to be someone who gives a crap. Someone’s bound to fall for it, and before you know it the weekend will be here.

SAGITTARIUS

Avoid family feuds. You’ll just make a mess of it. The problem is that you lack a shut-off switch when it comes to telling people what’s REALLY happening. You also have no sense of diplomacy. This is because you have only a passing acquaintance with interpersonal manners. On top of it all, your need to explain things correctly supercedes all else… and that’s kind of a problem. A problem that you, of course, can never understand because you think that if you can just explain it rationally then everyone else will back the hell off. But you see, they WON’T back the hell off because you’re just a little too smug and everyone wants to take you down a peg. Oh, and if you have any underlings, you should probably bring them chocolate tomorrow.  Because chocolate is…um… delicious.

CAPRICORN

If you try to be clever this week, you’re going to regret it. Don’t get fancy, Capricorn. Just take the path of least resistance until Friday. And by that, I don’t mean take the day off. I mean do what you’re supposed to. Be where you’re supposed to be. People really don’t expect much from you, so it shouldn’t be tough to meet their expectations. But on FRIDAY you gotta STEP UP and… be QUICK about it. In fact, if you play your cards right, you could get luck on Friday. You KNOW what I mean by that.

AQUARIUS

Happy birthday, Aquarius!  This is YOUR week, buddy! You know, you always know just the right way to celebrate.  Whether it’s dinner at a favorite old haunt, or hitting the road with those you love… you really understand the important things in life.  You ALSO know about networking, Aquarius! Keep your eyes open, because later this week you JUST MIGHT meet someone really awesome who can help you with your career. So keep your eyes open, and don’t be shy.

PISCES

Avoid erratic people, Pisces. You’ve got more than enough of that action going on yourself.  You KNOW what I’m talking about, right?  Think ‘Balrog’, friend. Also, don’t put pepper on your food.

Every week I hope to create a new horoscope for you, my gentle readers.  This is all part of my new plan to become incredibly psychic and finally get some money one day.  But in the meantime, here’s the first installment.  As I go along, I’ll probably start putting in pictures and stuff, because I can’t help myself.

Aries (Mar. 20 – Apr. 19):

Apparently, your ruling planet of Mars has something against you, Aries. For now, the stars or whatever going to keep you in a holding pattern.  I recommend you settle in with an adult beverage, fire up the DVD player, or go skiing and lounge indolently around a hot tub… and relax.  Well, unless you’re a child, of course.  In that case, I recommend a child beverage.  Maybe milk. And you still have to go school, child Aries.  You’re not loafing through this time of cosmic slowdown or whatever. Anyway, accept this as a time of natural rest and let go a bit. In a few weeks blockades to progress will be removed and you will once again be strutting about and pointing your finger so that others will jump up and get crap done.

Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 19):

The stars are telling me that you’re gonna be the astrological equivalent of Mother Teresa, this week.  This is good, because… you know, she died, right?  Anyway, step up and enjoy it.  Or don’t enjoy it.  I don’t think Mother Teresa REALLY enjoyed her job.  Not with all of those sick little orphan kids hanging around all the time.

Gemini (May 20 – June 20):

Close your mouth, Gemini, and keep your ears open… as you are encountering a TEACHER who may help you figure yourself out a bit. Not all the way figured out, of course, because you’re a mess, Gemini. We all know it, and most of us are talking about you behind your back.  A beautiful, messy mess of a mess. That’s what you are, Gemini.  Anyway, big change is coming, so get ready, and stop talking so much.

Cancer (June 21 – July 21):

Dude, this is the week when you should start a lawsuit. Well, that’s what the stars are telling me, anyway. Don’t sue me, though, because I’m going to deny everything. Oh, if you’ve got a partner or ‘whatever’, this is also a great time to go to a movie.

Everything’s fine, Leo… except your DIET. That’s at a stand-still, isn’t it?  It’s okay.  I’m supposed to know these things because I have the STARS on my side.  Look, quit wasting time. Switch it up and go to the gym or one of those cross-fit programs. You’ll be less fat, people will like you more because you’re more attractive (that’s what people like, by the way, they don’t give a crap if you’re trustworthy or have a good heart so knock it off), and you’ll finally succeed because you’re hot.  So get on it, Leo. We all know you want to roar.  So roar.

Virgo (Aug 22 – Sep. 22):

Virgo, I’m sorry, but this week you have to take a pottery class. It’s your time to sit around with hippie freaks and weirdos and just LEARN stuff from them. Oh, and learn from children. I don’t know what you’re going to learn, just that you have to do it by talking to people who normally know nothing.

Libra (Sep. 23 – Oct. 22):

As the wisest and… well, yes, I’ll say it, the NICEST sign in the zodiac, Libra it is your responsibility to be there for everyone. Don’t give them your money, though. You’ve fallen for that before.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21):

Just stay in the moment, mister. Don’t get ahead of yourself and start throwing dishes. That never does any good, you wild Scorpio thing. And keep on smiling. That never hurts. Well, it hurts you, doesn’t it? You’re such a pain, Scorpio. You know that your sign means ‘SCORPION’, right? That means you’re an arachnid, right?? Anyway, just stick with it and don’t get too ugly with people. Not this week. I’m sure you’ll have plenty of time in the future to be awful to other people who don’t realize what they’re dealing with.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 20):

Okay, seriously, the stars are telling me that you need to stop obsessing on your house, Sagittarius. Just do some nice little repairs and get back to normal. You have so much other crap going on. Oh, and try being a little more diplomatic, or nice, or something. You’re too abrupt. And you seem to forget that we’re not all perfect brainiacs like you are. Take a chill pill or do some yoga. Or eat a bran muffin.

Capricorn ( Dec 21 – Jan 19):

It’s gonna be a hard week, Capricorn. You know, you need to loosen up a bit. Stop holding on to the past. Free your mind with some whiskey, perhaps. Something out of the ordinary. Eat some yogurt, or whatever. Anyway, now’s the time to get rolling because you need it, sister. You know you do. We all know you do. You don’t think we’re not sitting just down the way from you at Chili’s saying, “good lord, is she eating her feelings?” I’ll let you answer that question for yourself in the privacy of your own tortured mind.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 17):

Be humble. Be helpful. Don’t be gloating when I call you and you’ve just hung out with the cast of Star Trek and you know I wanted to go, you bastard.

Pisces (Feb. 18 – Mar. 19):

You’re in a loving mood, this week. Try to roll with that for as long as you can. Because sooner or later you’re going to turn into a complete maniac again.  In the meantime, if you play your cards right, the stars are saying you could see some good stuff happening.  So I would recommend you just keep smiling and don’t say any of the poisonous, rancid, passive-aggressive things you would normally prefer to shovel out. Just keep it real, Pisces…just not YOUR reality, this time.

You’re gonna love this website.   That’s a promise.  Okay, it’s more a prediction… a shaky prediction.