Aries | Mar 20 – Apr 19
Hey-hey-hey! The stars are telling me that things are about to get better for you, Aries! Finances are looking a little less white-knuckle-ish, and you might actually start to build up a little something that we in the STAR BUSINESS call ‘self-esteem’. Lap it up, fiery one! You deserve it! Just watch out you don’t get all crazy-pajamas with the VISA card. The stars aren’t that optimistic.
Taurus | Apr 20 – May 19
Apparently, Jupiter is all over the place in Taurus for much of the next year… and that’s a good thing! What does Jupiter have to do with anything? Well, in astrological terms, Jupiter is like a shot of B-12 in the arm of everyone’s bliss bucket, Taurus… even your’s! Believe it or not, you might even crack a smile this week. But watch out, bullish one… your tendency to hit the ol’ midnight snackies and tub out might also be at a high level. I recommend you stick to Skinny Cow for the duration. And maybe see if that gym membership is still valid, just in case. I’m not saying you’re fat. I’m just saying you have incredible potential.
Gemini | May 20 – June 20
Normally, you’re a little bit selfish, Gemini. Admit it. We all know. But not this year! Oh no, Jupiter is in Taurus… and that means you’re full of the most delicious good intentions. Sounds good to me! How about you just roll with it, Gemmy? Next time you see some hobo looking for a handout, I think you should buy him and sandwich and say, “have a nice day!” Just a thought. As for the rest of this week… beyond having a few minor issues wrestling with the far-flung possibility of mortal coil… it looks like you’re going to have a very time. I recommend having one of those delicious martinis with the bleu cheese-stuffed olive in it. Actually, I think I’ll join you.
Cancer | June 21 – Jul y 21
This is a good week to start a cult, Cancer. Go for it.
Leo | July 22 – Aug 21
Guess what, my feline friend? That’s right… everybody loves you! YAY! And we’re jealous of you too! Oh, so good to be you! So bad to be us! Hooray!
Virgo | Aug 22 – Sep 22
Jupiter is in Taurus, which means you have to nice to foreigners, Virgo. I don’t know why that is. It’s just something the stars told me. Avoid cults, however. Beyond that, I think you should consider Brussels Sprouts. They’re delicious, good for you, and always a lovely surprise at dinner time.
Libra | Sep 23 – Oct 22
Your usual balancing act should be a bit easier this week, Libra! Thanks to the prominence of Jupiter in all things astrological, you’re set to enjoy some sweet-ass harmony.
Scorpio | Oct 23 – Nov 21
Thanks to the awesomeness of Jupiter in Taurus (basically, a fun time to believe in astrology, mind you), you’re about to have a fabulous week, Scorpio! You might want to do something romantic or nice for someone. It’ll totally pay off with sweet lovin’! Seriously, it could be something really minor that you do… like pick up your socks or stop spitting on dogs. Doesn’t matter. You’ll reap the reward.
Sagittarius | Nov 22 – Dec 20
With Jupiter on your side, star hunter, you can’t go wrong this week. Now is definitely the time explore the fantastic side of your mind. Coincidentally, the stars are telling me that this might be a good time to find a better job. Not another job where you’re just some cog in the hideous over-architecture of bland mediocrity… but rather something super sweet and juicy. Something that inspires you. Something that inspires us all. Also, this is a good week for you and chocolate. Oh, it’s a very good week for that.
Capricorn | Dec 21 – Jan 19
Hey, this is a good week to get pregnant, Capricorn! Do it up right!
Aquarius | Jan 20 – Feb 17
Jupiter is about to bring you some sweet-ass domestic improvements, star child! Maybe a new house, a fancy car, or perhaps it will simply be that one perfect croissant. I don’t know. But no matter what, it’s gonna be awesome. Oh, you may also find out that you were adopted. Possibly awkward.
Pisces | Feb 18 – Mar 19
There’s a small chance that you’ll find a pot of gold this week, Pisces. Be on the lookout for leprechauns.
